sextingAh, sexting. That age-old tradition that started with the advent of the cell phone.

In the age of app dating, you would be hard-pressed to not find someone who hasn’t either sexted someone or been sexted by someone.

But what does it take to be a good sexter?

Here are some key tips to mastering the art and science of sexting. (Note: this article focuses mainly on how to sext early on in a dating or casual dating scenario.)

  1. Be authentic

In other words, be yourself. Don’t imitate others or text things that are not true to who you are and what you want. Any sexting should come from the present moment – what you really feel like saying (within reason and with consent and receptivity on the part of the recipient). Of course, you can always embellish for effect, but keep it within the bounds of your sexual “brand.” For example, don’t sext about bedroom acts that you have no intention of doing just to impress the recipient. And don’t lead anyone on by combining sexy talk with “lovey dovey” talk as if you were intending a LTR if you only intend to keep things casual. Be sincere and honest.

2. Follow the “yes, and” rule

In improv, there is a rule that helps the improv scene flow and progress: the “yes, and” rule. This rule basically means if someone says something, you respond with a “yes, and…” and then build or riff off that thought. For example, if I got a sexy text from someone and they said, “Tuesdays are for hooking up,” I could take their lead and say, “yes, and Wednesdays are for recovering from Tuesdays…wink wink.”

The point here is to not shut someone down with a “no” or a contradictory response, but to build off of their text with something new.

3. Compliment!

All sexting should include some sort of compliment of the recipient. It is a great way to break the ice, and further establish trust and intimacy with someone. This is especially true if you use more specific aspects of their appearance or sexy vibe. For example, you could compliment a womxn’s curves and talk about how they turn you on. Or, you could simply text “you are soooo sexy.”

Flattery will go far. Use the recipient’s first name and some nice sexy adjectives along with it. A good sext is to say “I can’t stop thinking about you. Your [insert body part] drives me wild.”

4. Test the waters, then build

Timing is everything, especially in dating, and even more so in sexting. A well-timed sexual zinger can make or break your hookup. So, it is important to first read your recipient’s messages carefully and get a feel for how receptive they may be to your sexual advances. Nothing worse than bringing out the big guns too soon. Of course, a lot depends on gender and sexual identity here. I don’t want to generalize too much, but if a gay man is texting another gay man, the sexting can probably get pretty hot and heavy early on, whereas with men texting women, some subtleties may be in order in the beginning.

In any event, you might want to first hint at something sexual before coming straight out and talking about sex acts. When you are having a “normal” conversation via text, and you are wanting to start sexting, sometimes it is hard to know when to “slip it in” (pun intended).

A good way to do that is to ask questions that are sexually leading. Usually, the best way is to find a segue in the conversation. For example, if you two are talking about nature, you could send a text indicating your interest in sex outdoors or asking if they have had “camping sex”.

Or, you could talk about how excited you are at meeting them (if you haven’t yet), or how excited you are that you matched or met.

If you test the waters and you either sense some receptivity or get a sext back in response, then game on! It is now time to build into a sexting crescendo! Up the ante by increasing the intensity of your texts. Be flirty and fun and not too “in your face.” (And don’t send an unsolicited dick pic!) Try bringing in some longer sexts about what you might want to do together with your recipient.

The sky is the limit here (but also consent is the limit). (Zin is great at protecting your privacy, so you can feel free to sext inside our messaging app and send sexy photos knowing they won’t be shared.) You may want to consider sending emojis and gifs to get your message across. A good ole peach or an egg plant is a standard sex emoji. Or you can use other common sexy emojis, like tongue out, taco, and water droplets.

  1. Use your imagination

Sexting is a great way to connect to someone. Your sexts should give them something hot to think about and also pique their interest. Sexting should also be fun and entertaining to both you and your recipient. So, try to use your imagination as much as possible. Consider texting sexual scenarios you have always wanted to try, or something new you haven’t done in the bedroom. This is a good way to see if you are a sexual match with the person you are texting.

A good basic template for this is, “I want you to [insert sex act] so bad right now.”


There you have it! Don’t be shy- send that sext!